I started to get worried about 3 months ago. I can’t actually remember the actual date when the worrying started but I know it was back about that time. I’ve wanted to make films, work in some capacity for a studio, and/or be involved with the film industry in some way for almost as long as I can remember. A passion? Yep - I’d say that filmmaking in any form is certainly a passion of mine. I know it is too because if I’m not thinking or talking about films in some way and someone brings it up, my ears perk up, my eyes get bigger and the blood starts to rush just a little bit faster. I love films. I even love bad films (for many reasons - that’s actually not a bad idea for my next blog entry). But why the worrying? I’ll get into that in a bit.

I worked as a database programmer. I had a very nice job. The hours were perfect. The people I worked with I got along with. I made decent money. I could request vacation pretty much whenever I needed it. I didn’t quite like what I was doing all that much but it was a good job nonetheless. While working there the passion for film raged inside me like a massive fire. I’m talking RAGED!!! I made two short films during the past two years. I purchased enough gear to make the sequel to Reservoir Dogs. I even got my name (finally!) onto IMDB! My thinking is that since I didn’t quite enjoy what I was doing that I was searching for something else to do as a career. I liked the people and the place I worked at but the job itself really didn’t do much for me. In the back of my mind I feel as though I may have (and what comes next is an actual saying - it’s not literal) “crapped where I slept”. Why would I do this? Well, it’s possible that I may have had a better time at my job if I put more effort into it - possibly by trying to learn more or something like that. Did I try to learn more though? No. No, I didn’t. I put most of my effort into my filmmaking production company and my films. Inner conflict??! Oh hell yeah it was! I wanted to do films but started to despise my job for standing in my way of doing what I loved. Was this the point where I started to worry? Nope. That’s still to come.

I was starting to feel as though I didn’t fit in at my job any longer. I started thinking that I might have a better opportunity out there. I started searching for a new job, but not in filmmaking - in database programming. I had a few interested parties but then I found THE job for me! I was to be an instructor. Let’s advance the story to 3 months ago. I was hired by a company that teaches the database software that I used to work on. Now I teach it to people. This is something that I truly love doing - standing in front of people and teaching them things. I LOVE THIS STUFF! Yes… this is where I started to worry.

I started to worry because I liked this job so much and was putting so much attention upon it that the thoughts of filmmaking started to dwindle. I was/am working on a big project (big in my mind at least) and that’s been put on hold because of this new job. This project was a dream project for me! CRAP! I still want to do it!! I feel that my dream is started to fall away. I feel that I’m losing the passion that I once had for filmmaking and that scares the crap out of me! Why am I scared? I honestly don’t know. I would think that if I lost interest in something, carving wood for example, that I would just say “well, you know what? I don’t feel like carving wood any more so I think I’ll start doing something else.” But I can’t bring myself to say that about filmmaking. It’s weird. It’s something that I just can’t seem to get a grasp on quite yet. I thought of asking people their advice as to what I should do but something interesting happened when I thought of doing that. The thought of someone telling me to stop working on films pissed me off. If I asked someone their advice as to what I should do about my current predicament and they responded by saying “Oh man, you need to stop daydreaming and live your life like you should be living it. You need to pay full attention to your job man!”, I would seriously regret asking that question because I definitely didn’t like the response.

Why the rambling and rambling aye? Well, I don’t think that my dreams were actually falling apart or even leaving me. They are still there (hence the getting pissed off at the logical advice said above), and I still love filmmaking. I don’t think it will be leaving me any time soon. I think I mostly use this blog is so I can get stuff off my chest, and possibly to even do a little of my own thinking out loud. It’s quite possible that I love doing my current job because it has things that I love doing in it - teaching people. It’s also quite possible that I still love filmmaking because it has things in it that I love doing (too many to list).

So, I have gotten the advice that I needed - all by myself. Isn’t that neat? I’m going to keep doing what I love - and that’s both things. I don’t know where I’m going to end up. I honestly don’t know where, but I do know that I’m going to do whatever it is that I like doing. If it’s teaching then I’ll do that, and if it’s filmmaking, then I’ll do that. If it’s both then I’ll do both! So there!