So the editor of Causality Scheme, Sarah Gersh, edited the film using Final Cut Studio 2 and I own Final Cut Studio (the 1st version).  Well, she sent me back the hard drive that I sent her and on which she edited the film on.  I was very excited to see my hard drive come in the mail and at the time my Mac was out of order - the hard drive had crashed on it.  I was using my work laptop for my day to day activities so I didn’t REALLY need to fix the Mac - that was until I got the hard drive back!  So, I scrimped and saved and sold off some old film equipment and found the money to buy a new hard drive and also to buy the new Mac OS X version.  I was stoked when I got that stuff in the mail!  So I installed the hard drive in my Macbook Pro and then I popped in my Mac OS X Tiger install discs.  1st disc went just fine… the 2nd it turned out was used to go sledding on over a sharp rocky cavern - it was unreadable and I could not finish my install!

The next day I took my Mac in to the Apple store and they were super cool and installed a fresh copy of Mac OS X 10.5 on my Macbook Pro!  Okay, so then it was finally time for me to go home and install Final Cut Studio.  I didn’t remember this but it took me 3 friggin hours to install it!!  Now, finally, it was time to look at Sarah’s cut of Causality Scheme directing in Final Cut Pro… I clicked File, Open, and navigated to Sarah’s Final Cup Pro Project file and…..   ‘general error 41′

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!  I did some searching and found out that I can’t open a FCP file that was created in a later version than mine!  Big Shitski is what that is!

So there I was digging in my garage for more things to sell.  I found a few things worth a few hundred and started hocking them.  It took me a few weeks, but I was able to wrangle up the fundage to purchase the Final Cut Studio 2 upgrade.  That was today.  I’m actually pretty excited about it though.   Final Cut Studio 2 has some really awesome stuff in it.  I can’t wait for it to show up.  It’s like it’s Christmas!

I was traveling in my old job.  I would fly away to some other major city and teach people how to use software.  I have to admit I loved the teaching - it was a great thing for me to teach others what I knew.  I’ve always liked doing that which is also the reason why I have the Indie Filmmaking Guide on my site.  I love spreading knowledge.  However the traveling aspect while very cool to be visiting other cities and traveling for free, I did have to leave my family.  My wife would stay home and watch our two young kids which is a hard job (WAY more tough than mine!) while I would travel to places like San Francisco and eat at fine restaurants.  What a hard life right?  Well, I decided that a change was in order and decided to start applying at jobs in Dallas and in Atlanta.  I found one in Dallas, working for Fossil (the watch makers) and have since been hired and have moved to Dallas TX.

So far Dallas is great.  It’s a little warm right now during the summer but it will get much nicer for the rest of the year which beats all that snow I got when living in the Chicago area.  I don’t regret the move.

Then the next subject of this entry is that the movie that I starred in, well maybe not starred in but I was in front of the camera a little bit for, came out.  The Dark Knight was released and was the largest box office generator in the opening week in US history.  Turns out I wasn’t in it.  Neither was my dad.  Both of us were bummed but it was still a great experience to see a movie of that caliber being filmed.

Now I just need to get off my ass and start filming some of my films again.  That damn traveling job really put a hold on my filmmaking career!  Back to work Adam!  Back to work!

I started to get worried about 3 months ago. I can’t actually remember the actual date when the worrying started but I know it was back about that time. I’ve wanted to make films, work in some capacity for a studio, and/or be involved with the film industry in some way for almost as long as I can remember. A passion? Yep - I’d say that filmmaking in any form is certainly a passion of mine. I know it is too because if I’m not thinking or talking about films in some way and someone brings it up, my ears perk up, my eyes get bigger and the blood starts to rush just a little bit faster. I love films. I even love bad films (for many reasons - that’s actually not a bad idea for my next blog entry). But why the worrying? I’ll get into that in a bit.

I worked as a database programmer. I had a very nice job. The hours were perfect. The people I worked with I got along with. I made decent money. I could request vacation pretty much whenever I needed it. I didn’t quite like what I was doing all that much but it was a good job nonetheless. While working there the passion for film raged inside me like a massive fire. I’m talking RAGED!!! I made two short films during the past two years. I purchased enough gear to make the sequel to Reservoir Dogs. I even got my name (finally!) onto IMDB! My thinking is that since I didn’t quite enjoy what I was doing that I was searching for something else to do as a career. I liked the people and the place I worked at but the job itself really didn’t do much for me. In the back of my mind I feel as though I may have (and what comes next is an actual saying - it’s not literal) “crapped where I slept”. Why would I do this? Well, it’s possible that I may have had a better time at my job if I put more effort into it - possibly by trying to learn more or something like that. Did I try to learn more though? No. No, I didn’t. I put most of my effort into my filmmaking production company and my films. Inner conflict??! Oh hell yeah it was! I wanted to do films but started to despise my job for standing in my way of doing what I loved. Was this the point where I started to worry? Nope. That’s still to come.

I was starting to feel as though I didn’t fit in at my job any longer. I started thinking that I might have a better opportunity out there. I started searching for a new job, but not in filmmaking - in database programming. I had a few interested parties but then I found THE job for me! I was to be an instructor. Let’s advance the story to 3 months ago. I was hired by a company that teaches the database software that I used to work on. Now I teach it to people. This is something that I truly love doing - standing in front of people and teaching them things. I LOVE THIS STUFF! Yes… this is where I started to worry.

I started to worry because I liked this job so much and was putting so much attention upon it that the thoughts of filmmaking started to dwindle. I was/am working on a big project (big in my mind at least) and that’s been put on hold because of this new job. This project was a dream project for me! CRAP! I still want to do it!! I feel that my dream is started to fall away. I feel that I’m losing the passion that I once had for filmmaking and that scares the crap out of me! Why am I scared? I honestly don’t know. I would think that if I lost interest in something, carving wood for example, that I would just say “well, you know what? I don’t feel like carving wood any more so I think I’ll start doing something else.” But I can’t bring myself to say that about filmmaking. It’s weird. It’s something that I just can’t seem to get a grasp on quite yet. I thought of asking people their advice as to what I should do but something interesting happened when I thought of doing that. The thought of someone telling me to stop working on films pissed me off. If I asked someone their advice as to what I should do about my current predicament and they responded by saying “Oh man, you need to stop daydreaming and live your life like you should be living it. You need to pay full attention to your job man!”, I would seriously regret asking that question because I definitely didn’t like the response.

Why the rambling and rambling aye? Well, I don’t think that my dreams were actually falling apart or even leaving me. They are still there (hence the getting pissed off at the logical advice said above), and I still love filmmaking. I don’t think it will be leaving me any time soon. I think I mostly use this blog is so I can get stuff off my chest, and possibly to even do a little of my own thinking out loud. It’s quite possible that I love doing my current job because it has things that I love doing in it - teaching people. It’s also quite possible that I still love filmmaking because it has things in it that I love doing (too many to list).

So, I have gotten the advice that I needed - all by myself. Isn’t that neat? I’m going to keep doing what I love - and that’s both things. I don’t know where I’m going to end up. I honestly don’t know where, but I do know that I’m going to do whatever it is that I like doing. If it’s teaching then I’ll do that, and if it’s filmmaking, then I’ll do that. If it’s both then I’ll do both! So there!

Yes… I had a chance to be on the set of the new Batman movie. It was a quite excellent experience… something I couldn’t quite describe in words – wait… that’s what a blog is for! I guess I’ll try to capture what I felt when I was on the set. First of all, I was an extra in 3 scenes. I cannot say what the scenes were because then that would ruin the story for you!

To be on the set and see the camera, the lights, and how they set up everything was an amazing thing to see. I was also about 3 feet away from Gary Oldman, one of my favorite actors of all time, and at one point I was lost in his acting. He was so good that I stopped feeling the “oh wow, this is Gary Oldman” thing and started actually becoming part of the movie. I actually felt the emotions that he was trying to have the watcher feel – it was something I never knew existed before. Now that’s acting! Being a director, this was an experience that has taught me so much about the direction of actors. I now watch movies in a completely new light and can now also tell if there was good casting for a film, and also if the actor/actress was good or not. These are things that I thought I knew but only now realize how little I knew about it.

I think the main thing that I took with me from my experience was that all of the people on the set are just normal people - they do movies just like accountants do accounting. They are just normal people. The reason why the average person puts actors and filmmakers on a pedestal is, I believe, because of this falsehood that these people aren’t normal -they are supernormal for some reason. Well, the truth is, no matter how much people idolize them, that they are just normal people. They all have mothers and fathers; they all grew up with childhoods ranging from good to bad and everything in between. They are all just people - just like you and me. Every person has a gift - whether a person has found that gift or chooses to use that gift is another story. Actually, now that I write this, there is a slight difference in the actors and filmmakers than that of your average person. Most, NOT ALL, people feel that they are being pushed into a life that they don’t want; “I have to do this because,.” Or “Oh, I can’t do that because my,” whereas the actors and filmmakers are people, again mostly, not all, who have said that they want to make movies or act in movies, and have done so even though people have said “That’s just a pipe dream.” The difference is something that we all posses - we can all be movie stars in our own right. If what you want to do is to grow tomatoes and you love doing that, then when you choose to grow tomatoes then you will be like the movie stars, you will be on your own pedestal. Gary Oldman is a master of his craft - he’s an amazing actor. He’s doing what he loves to do - at least I think he is (I didn’t quite ask him if he loves doing it!). I love watching movies and I also love making them, but I would have never known I loved making movies if I never tried to. I want to master the craft of making movies and make no mistake - I am becoming a master of it. I’m learning - just as Gary Oldman is still learning. We are all still learning - we are all normal people. Even when we stop learning, we are STILL learning. We are learning how to be inert. If you have a love for something, however big or small of a thing it is, just try it. Take your excuses and forget them for a day and just try on your love.

So, that being said… It was AWESOME to be on the set and to see Gary Oldman acting only 3 feet away from me!

I guess it’s time for me to tell anyone who reads this about this something that has been burning on the back of my mind ever since I filmed my first film.  This thing was the thought “I can become a powerful filmmaker!”  However, after I finished my 1st movie, for some reason, people weren’t knocking down my door and falling over each other to give me money to make the next Godfather trilogy.  I couldn’t figure out why.  I made a movie!  There were supposed to be things that happen after this!  Something must be wrong I thought.  What to do… what to do…  well, I bought some books - I was sure that reading more about filmmaking would open up that door to the good life of filmmaking.  There must have been a sentence - a paragraph - a page of one of those many books that I bought that held the secret to becoming a true filmmaker.  So I dove into my filmmaking books and I kept reading…

During this montage of my life of reading and learning my knowledge started becoming greater, but to my chagrin my frustration grew larger.  I was locked in a downward spiral.  A windfall of knowledge and frustration was coming at me like a ton of bricks, each one weighing more and more.  I got to the point where I said, “I can’t take any more reading about it!” and I put away all of my books, and put away all of my ideas rolling around in my head.  I started reading some other kinds of non-fiction books.  I was giving myself a rest from filmmaking.  It just wasn’t working out like I had envisioned it!  How dare the gods to this to me!  I was supposed to be a professional filmmaker by now!

Finally, during one of my phases of reading some spiritual texts that span religions as I don’t particularly care for religions (don’t get me wrong, I would never tell anyone to not belong to a religion, but for myself, I pull from all of them), I found something.  So, it was one day when I was reading a little about Quantum Physics, that I was asked a question that sparked this answer in my head, “I am no longer having fun when I work on making a film.  I focus now on all of the different aspects of filmmaking - the location scouting (how frustrating is that on a no budget film!), the funding (or lack thereof), the equipment (again, or lack thereof), or about the distribution!”

Why did filmmaking become a frustrating downward spiral you ask?  Well, since you were so kind in asking such a great question, I will divulge the answer.  What happened to me was that I lost the fact that making a movie can be one of the most pleasurable things to do, at least in my mind, and I what I ended up doing was I made it into me saying all the time ”that crap just isn’t working like I thought it would!”  When I decided to stop worrying about all the crap that is involved in filmmaking and to start thinking about how much fun it will be to make another film, the weight of the world escaped my shoulders and floated into the air.  I felt free again.  I felt free to have fun and to make movies.

The point of this article is this:  If you have a passion - keep it close, keep it in your grasp, but don’t squish it.  Loosely hold your passion.  Let it guide you and you guide it.  If you really like doing it, then do what makes you feel good when you do it.  That’s all there is to it because if the end game is you doing something that you like doing but it no longer is fun because of all the crap that comes along with it, then stop doing it.  Take a step back, think about what you really liked about it, and focus on that.  Go at your passion again, but do it this time from a different angle.  If you do this, then you can be happy, even when you aren’t getting calls about making the next Godfather trilogy.  Who knows…  maybe you will, but at least you weren’t killing yourself waiting for it to come to you.

It’s time to have fun again!  Waa waa wee waa!

Best wishes,
Adam